Great in so many ways, my in-laws are still technologically challenged
Posted: 8/28/2009

By James Mulcahy
So I'm at work, minding my own business when my cell phone rings. It's my mother-in-law, Gloria Harris, calling from somewhere in North Carolina; that's not so unusual, I say to myself.
The "conversation," however, is anything but usual.
"Hello?"
Nothing but white noise.
"Hello?" I repeat.
Still nothing.
Wait, I do hear some muffled voices. I grin as I realize that my mother-in-law has butt-called me. Butt-calling (no, I'm not particularly fond of the name either and mothers-in-law should not butt-call anybody) occurs when somebody, usually with their phone in their back pocket, accidentally pushes "redial" or some speed-dial button and makes a call. Yes, it can be very dangerous; one should at all times be cautious about what one is saying.
"Hello?" I say again, only louder.
I can finally make out Gloria talking — muffled, of course, since her phone is buried deep in her purse. She's talking to my father-in-law.
"Blakely, do you hear voices?" About now she's no doubt questioning her own sanity.
"HELLO?" I'm yelling into the phone and getting some looks from co-workers. "GLORIA?"
"Blakely, they said 'Gloria'?" she said, obviously taken aback.
Now it's just funny.
James: "GLORIA! IT'S ME!"
Gloria: "Who IS that?"
James: "GLORIA! ANSWER YOUR PHONE!" My co-workers are wondering if I've lost it totally.
Gloria: "They want me to answer my phone!"
Blakely is too far away for me to hear, but I'm sure he is saying something that makes perfect sense, like, "Well, answer it."
She does, but the fun is not over yet. I still have to convince her that SHE called ME; she's sure I called and she just didn't hear it ring and I must've wanted something very important.
My in-laws are wonderful people. Blakely and Gloria Harris are both in their late 70s, and both could probably outrun me in a 50-yard sprint. Formerly residents of Charleston, W.Va., they have settled in Huntington, in a very swank "retirement" community.
Blakely, who I'm sure was MacGyver's mentor, could build a working spaceship using only parts from a busted microwave oven. Using sheet metal and that wide aluminum tape, he just finished a "one-of-a-kind" lint trap for our dryer. It's very shiny, and I'll bet very effective. I'll know if I ever get around to installing it.
Gloria is unbeatable in the kitchen, and (lucky for me) her daughter got the cooking gene.
But the cell phone concept stumps them. They will look quizzically at their phones as they turn them over and over in their hands as if instructions are going to fall out. Until recently, neither would turn their phones on unless they needed to make a call. Try to tell Blakely about all the marvelous features on his newfangled phone (like key lock) and he'll just shrug and say, "All I want is to talk on it."
Do they even make that kind of phone anymore?